Don’t Smile Until November?

See, as troubling as the whole don’t smile until November is, the theme has a very slight bit of credence if understood within the right context. It doesn’t mean that you have to be all hard bodied and authoritative towards your students at the beginning of the school year. More accurately, the saying should express the notion that your students are reading, perceiving, and ultimately judging your mannerisms and behaviors just as much as you are theirs. On the second day of school, during the national anthem, one of my students was nonchalantly working on his name tag. My optimistic side of observing this act thought, “Good for him, he actually cares about his work. Maybe I’ll let it slide.” But the realistic side of my thoughts echoed loudly, “Nip this behavior pronto. One kid starts jotting a few things while the anthem plays and it goes unaddressed, by November you’ll have kids slouched over their desks while the Anthem is on.” This will happen. Unfortunately, I know from experience. So, after the anthem and announcements were all completed, I addressed it. I singled him out long enough, and more importantly, at the right time of year, for not only him, but the rest of the class to understand an implicit, but perfectly clear expectation and classroom culture.

Impressions, especially first ones are key. The first weeks of school are vital in establishing your classroom culture and expectations. It is important that even as the first weeks or so wind down, you continue to establish, not boundaries, but expectations for your students. But also remember that your character, through words and actions, throughout those first few days and weeks, are equally being impressed upon your students as well.

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This dilemma has come up in many conversations I’ve had with educators over the last few years. Can the teacher also be the friend? Arguments go back and forth on issues pertaining to professionalism and ideals of the student-teacher relationship. Almost every teacher I have engaged in this discussion with has started and finished by firmly stating that, “We are not here to be students’ friends. There is always a line that teachers shouldn’t cross.”

I guess we will have to agree to disagree.

What gets lost in this conversation is the fluid meaning of “friendship”. Most think that being a friend somehow implies an equal relationship. Just because someone perceives you as a friend does not automatically mean that the relationship is equal. It doesn’t even mean that the understanding of the relationship is mutual. So by extension, if a student thinks that you are their “friend”, doesn’t that benefit your relationship with them, rather than hinder it?

This moves the discussion into student perception. My students in that 8^th grade class viewed me as a friend. In whatever skewed way they evaluated and acted upon “friendship”, they not only saw me as their teacher, but they also saw me as a person who they could confide in and relate to. Throughout that year, I had no real issues where students attempted to attack my role as their teacher. I felt that our discussions about things that revolved around “outside issues” brought us closer as a class. It made our relationships stronger. I was able to do less “teacher talk” and negotiate routines, work habits, and levels of academic standards more naturally. If I came in sick and needed students to “work with me” because I simply didn’t have the energy to stay on top of every last classroom interruption, my students would catch on. They would catch on not by a heavy-handed lecture or a loud rant, but by a simple glance and conveyance of my need for them to help me out. Maybe they did that because they liked me as a “teacher”, or maybe they did that because they, then, thought of me as a “friend” who they wanted to help out. I don’t know the reason, but if it was the latter, I have no problem with my students considering me their friend as well as their teacher.

Simply put, the idea of the teacher being the “friend” relies on the fluid definition of the word “friend”. Teachers will use the example of parenting and retort that, “I am not my daughter’s friend, I am her mom.” Okay, if that is your notion of friendship, then I cannot argue with it. But in my life, my mother was not only a mom, she was a friend as well, at least from my perspective. This is because, in my opinion, a friend can sometimes be synonymous with a “parent” or “teacher” or “leader”. So, if my students consider me their friend, I guess I am good with that.

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